If you are here, please excuse the tumbleweeds. The posts are still in pencil and paper, chicken scratch if you will. I will get it together when I can – it’s been rough. In the meantime, much love to all the survivors, caregivers and families on this day. <3
National Cancer Survivors Day 2018 – on the Radar
I had no idea there was even such a day. A year ago, I was a normal person with “fair” health and some unhealthy habits – but, hey, who doesn’t – I was young(ish) and life was just beginning – there would be time to eat healthy, exercise and sleep later – after. After college. After professional school. After training. Etc. There was never a good time.
A year ago, this day would not have been on my radar. I had never had a family member with cancer. I saw cancer at work – it was scary, sad, devastating – I sympathized and cared the best I could but I never imagined that it would become something more personal.
Today, it’s no longer something horrible that other people have. It’s inside me. It’s real and tangible. Most of my waking moments it is in my awareness – something is growing inside right now – while we are trying to stop it, it is there.
I learned of this day right now. A bit late to celebrate. I consider this a curse of sorts so why celebrate such a thing? Because as in the title – it’s for survivors.
Last year around this time, I was misdiagnosed with pneumonia. It marked the beginning of a rapid decline. Within weeks, I found myself staring at death.
I know that some of you will roll your eyes – she’s being a drama queen. I guess but no. Literally, I will never forget being on my bed on my knees gasping for air where I had lain in my own urine and secretions. There was this feeling in my body that I cannot describe…the slipping away…the world pale…out of control but trapped in my body too weak to feel scared.
Today, I am facing uncertainty of my disease. Today is Sunday…the weekend is both a reprieve where nothing much can be done as well as a waiting game of time where nothing much can be done.
I try my best to live each day with gratitude and consciousness. Some days it’s harder than others.
So what did I do today? Did we unknowingly celebrate?
I woke up from a nightmare. It was an anxiety ridden morning for me. Most weekend mornings are. My fiance suggested going out to Little Tokyo – the idea of driving across the city without a plan didn’t seem the most appealing.
I tried to meditate but my mind was so full (all the cancer books I’ve read so far recommend meditating so I try my best). I went to tell my fiance about the contents of my mind and dumped a bit. It helped. Bless him. Eventually, I got myself together.
We drove across town with the windows rolled down. My teenage son was in the back – having completed all of his high school requirements he was amenable to hanging out with mom. We looked at the skyscrapers ahead and each described what we saw – each of our perspectives was unique – a clue to our tendencies and inner workings. We were in the same place at the same time yet each experience was vastly different.
Finally we arrived and parked. I admired the ubiquitous purple trees of Los Angeles lining both sides of the street. It looked more like a city than our neighborhood. As a lifelong city girl, the mix of cultural and industrial buildings felt familiar – I felt more. I felt alive. We explored, I cheated on my diet, and wandered.
After lunch and a few whirls around the plaza, the nagging pain of the metastasis in my hip bone told me it was time to go home.
The time was short yet I’m glad to have claimed those minutes – for me, for us, for the memories.
Love to all, especially my fellow cancer survivors.